


Not On Me

by thecattydddy



Series: Billy's Recovery [2]
Category: Marvel, The Avengers: Children's Crusade, Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Family, Gen, Juvie Mentions, Past Prison Abuse, Trauma, post-Children's Crusade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 12:45:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7977229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecattydddy/pseuds/thecattydddy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Billy falls deeper and deeper into his depression and the only thing Tommy genuinely knows at this point is that his being here isn't helping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not On Me

**Author's Note:**

> This one is a lot sadder and more angsty than the one before it and focuses a little more on Tommy and Billy, though there is a bit of interaction between Teddy and Tommy as well. Thanks to everyone that commented on the last part and, as always, comment and criticism is always welcome!

“ _Wait a second, Tommy… Slow down.”_

Despite what most of his housemates would think, Billy could hear everything. It was blurry, static, distance, like a radio picking up the crackled remains of a dying signal, but he could hear it. Could just make out the faded voices and understand what they were saying. What they usually were saying about _him_.

_“_ _Listen, Ted, I can’t do this. I’m going crazy like this. He just- He just_ _**sits there** _ _! Nothing changes it! Nothing can make him acknowledge me!”_

_“I know this is hard, but Billy will get past this… He just needs time.”_

_“How_ _**much** _ _time? A day? A month?_ _**A year?** _ _What if it takes until we’re in our thirties or something like that?”_

_“I don’t- Tommy._ _**Stop** _ _. I can’t understand you when you talk that fast.”_

Teddy, his strong and unmovable partner, was cleaning up after him. Sweeping up the trauma he’d left in his wake. Acting as damage control for the people his constant failure seemed to grab hold of and slowly and painfully catch in it’s grasp. How many times had Teddy been the one to hug his crying mother as she tried to think of every way in the book to change this. How many times had he sat down with his father and talked to the older man with an understanding for his worry and concern. How many times had he knelt down to look his younger brothers in the eyes and tell them “B’s not feeling up to playing today, guys. Maybe tomorrow.” How many times had he taken Tommy by the shoulder and steered him out of the room as the speedster drove himself closer and closer to insanity with every anxious thought.

How many times had Teddy locked himself in his bedroom or in the bathroom to let out muffled, broken sobs because he didn’t want anyone else to see how much this was hurting him, only to come back with a touch of red around his eyes and a weak smile that settled the house somewhat despite Billy’s fragile grasp on the world around him.

_“Where exactly do you plan on going?”_

_“I dunno, yet, but anywhere but here._ _**Anywhere** _ _.”_

_“I understand that you’re struggling with this, Tommy, but you can’t just up and leave-”_

_“Oh yeah? Why can’t I?”_

_“Because I can’t do this for both of you, right now!”_

Teddy’s voice seemed to crack with unchecked and unresolved emotions. The air in the house became tense and shocked and even Billy could feel it seeping in, despite the already present cold that fell over him, filling up past his eyes and finding a home in his lungs as if he was slipping under water with no hope of a return to the surface.

_“_ _I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice… It’s not your fault, Tommy. I know you are dealing with stuff too, but I just don’t think I’m strong enough to-”_

_“Teddy, you don’t have to take care of me.”_

_“It’s not about_ _**having to** _ _it’s about-”_

_“_ _**Bullshit** _ _. I see you walking around here every day, building this wall of security and hope when you break a little more every time you offer someone else a little hope. I’m not exactly a walk in the park-”_

_“You’re not that bad.”_

_“Yes, I am. I’m the most trouble you’ve got. You’re trying to hard to play a big mighty wall and I’m the fastest, most uncontrolled wrecking ball you’re up against.”_

_“You’re not a_ _**wrecking ball** _ _, Tommy. You’re Billy’s brother… You’re practically_ _**my** _ _brother, at this point!”_

Tommy was silent a moment, touched but more determined than ever. Billy knew that he was probably resigned in his decision. Billy could imagine Tommy reaching forward and ruffling Teddy’s hair in a manner that was grossly brotherly and oddly amusing with their height differences. Teddy would be holding onto his strength like a mask, but he would be cracking and someone as fast as Tommy would see the cracks despite how fleeting they were.

_“Ditto…_ _And that’s why I gotta go. One less thing for you to worry about.”_

_“You being who knows where is not gonna make me worry less.”_

_“Give me a little credit. I’m not so dumb as to run myself into a ditch. I’ll go find a job or something. With my skill-set, there’s bound to be work out there. I just need to, ya know,_ _**do something** _ _with myself.”_

_“Okay...”_ Teddy sounded so broken, so resigned. Billy couldn’t help but think this was his fault. He had been given the most durable person in probably the entire city, both physically and emotionally, and he’d _snapped him_ like a twig beneath his foot. Billy came rushing through and he _broke people_. The guilt, the self disgust, washed over him like a tidal wave, knocking the wind out of his and sinking him deeper and deeper into this cold, unforgiving hell he painted himself in. _“Okay, but you’ll call?”_

Tommy’s voice was stronger, less anxious, with just a hint of fondness. The _idea_ of getting away from Billy made him stronger. The _idea_ of shucking off this burden of a baby brother made him _happier_. How much it _hurt_ to hear these thoughts rumbling around in his mind when he should be _glad_ that Tommy isn’t letting this hold him bak any longer. Shame at his selfishness piled on top of everything else. His dark thoughts gave him no mercy as he feel deeper and deeper into the dark trenches of the ocean, not even a single predator around to swallow him whole and relieve him of the suffering of it. _“Yeah, Ted. Every day, if it makes you feel better.”_

_“_ _Okay...”_ Teddy sounded so small that Billy had to wonder if he shifted just to match the quiet in his voice, curling in on himself like a child. _“I… I need to go do something.”_

_“You don’t have to go hide in the bathroom to cry, you know. It’s okay to be upset. Everyone already knows you are.”_

_“I’m_ _**not** _ _gonna go cry in the bathroom.”_

_“Whatever… I’m gonna go talk to Billy while you’re_ _**not** _ _crying in there. Who knows what you’re up to. Maybe you’re just looking for an opportunity to jerk one out. Can’t be getting a lot of action these days.”_

Teddy ignored Tommy’s comment, an off-handed way to direct the mood to lighter and less heartfelt things. _“Tommy, maybe that’s not a good idea...”_

_“I’m not leaving without seeing him.”_

_“But-”_

_“Teddy, I’m going in there to talk to my brother.”_ Tommy didn’t wait for Teddy’s approval. In that same, distant, staticy way, the sound of feet approached and then Billy could feel Tommy’s eyes on him, hesitating a moment in the doorway. There was emotions there that Billy couldn’t see, but could think of a million possible ones that would be more than appropriate. Hate, spite, anger, resentment, disgust. The list went on and every one that he could think of he only felt more of for himself.

Maybe Tommy would come and tell him that he couldn’t hurt him anymore. Maybe the speedster would laugh at his pathetic state and tell him how horrible he was to those around him. Maybe Tommy would mirror every thought that ran constantly ran through Billy’s head, torturing him, because he _deserved it_ after everything that he’d done. Everything he’d _failed_ to do.

None of those came. Instead, Tommy sounded _sorry_ , as if _he_ was the one who had something to apologize for. “Hey, Kid. Got a minute for your big brother?”

Billy didn’t answer. He _never_ answered. The thought of trying to speak made him sick and it wouldn’t matter because nothing he could say would make it _right_. Tommy didn’t bother waiting for his reply, suddenly across the room and nudging Billy’s legs out of the way so he could sit on the window seat as well, the two of them scrunched in there together, Billy seeming to shrink behind his knees while Tommy managed an awkward indian sit. “Make some room, Dork. We’re about to have the grossest pow-wow of both of our very weird lives. You may experience some minor nausea on this ride. If at any point you feel like you’re going to loose your very small lunch, do us both a favor and don’t barf on me, okay?”

No response. He didn’t even look, though he could see tuffs of white hair out of his peripheral vision. Instead, he just stared on at the city outside, unable to find humor in Tommy’s rambling and thinking himself broken for it. “Not feeling super talkative today, huh? That’s alright. I can cover it for both of us.”

There was a beat of silence, a moment where Tommy collected his thoughts. He took a few deep breaths, slowing himself down. He knew that Billy wouldn’t ask him to slow down if he went to fast – In all their little chats before, he never had – but this one was different. This one the warper had to _understand_. “Billy-” Another pause. “Billy, did I ever tell you about my time in juvie?”

Tommy’s voice lowered, providing an intimacy to the conversation, one that already startled Billy, though he only made the slightest indications of it. His brother rarely spoke of his life before the Young Avengers. It was dark and unpleasant and he had already chosen long ago just to keep looking ahead. Tommy caught the slight furrow of his brother’s brow, confirming, at least, that Billy could hear him. He gave a soft chuckle. “Well, of course I haven’t talked about most of it. It was pretty horrible. Not a _dinner table_ kinda thing, you get me?”

The speedster sobered up, his expression falling into one of slight sadness. “Anyways, before I sort of blew up my high school, I was in this one place that was downright awful. Most of the people there were really messed up and the staff like to instigate fights among the inmates. Seriously messed up stuff...”

Billy could see Tommy’s twisted expression through the reflection of the glass, despite the easy going tone he tried to take on. It was a hard memory that he was sharing. One that Billy could only convince himself he didn’t deserve to hear. “Anyways, not to long after I got in there, I met this kid – Really little bugger. Maybe seven? He’d been caught up in the middle of some gang war and got tossed into juvie in a hope to scare the act out of him? His parents’ idea, I guess. Those sons of-”

Tommy bit his lip, reminding himself to keep on track. “Anyways, the kid’s name was Lance. Good kid, really, just a little lost. One of those guys that needed a friend, not a cell, you know? So, I sorta took him under my wing. He was really passionate bugger, got easily excitable. Unfortunately, it also made him a target of sorts. I’m pretty sure I was gonna have a permanent black eye by the time I left that place. I got a reputation for being his protector, I guess? You know me. I’ve got a soft spot for snot-nosed brats.”

The mood shifted, darkening as Tommy hunched in on himself a little. Seeing his twin’s features fall in resignation that way was maybe Billy’s first real glance at what he looked like to everyone else and it wrapped around his heart in a cold, tight grip. “Well, people started getting more persistent. Thinking back on it, if I had just let him struggle through the place on his own, maybe he wouldn’t have been such a _target_ , but I didn’t. Bunch of guys made sure I couldn’t interfere and they went to work. I wanted to close my eyes, but I couldn’t stop from looking, thinking the whole time of getting to him when I knew I couldn’t. The guards were shitty at best. I think someone of them _enjoyed_ the thing; Like watching dog fighting. By the time they were done, he wasn’t… He wasn’t...”

Tommy took in a shaky breath, a desperate look in his eyes and his hands curled into fists. He’d shared too much, maybe. Brought to many things back that he didn’t want to deal with. They sat there a moment, both struggling with the whirlwind inside of them… But then Tommy did what Billy didn’t even know if he would ever be capable of.

He took a deep breath and started speaking, again.

“Anyways,” Tommy said, brushing over any further information on the story, “I spent a long time blaming myself, thinking if I’d done things differently, if I’d just been more _capable_ , I would have been able to stop it, but you know what? All this running around here… All this sitting and just _waiting_ for the moment when I can _fix_ this has taught me something important.”

Tommy turned to Billy, his expression determined. “Billy, you can’t save everyone. It doesn’t matter how much you want to. It doesn’t matter how much you try. I could sit here every single day until you shrivel up from old age, but there will never be a day where I can step in and make it better. This one isn’t on me.”

Tommy placed a hand on his shoulder, gripping it tightly. “This one is on you and ever since I realized that, sitting here and watching you just let yourself go like this has been a nightmare. I’m not giving up on you or anything, but… I can’t watch you do this anymore; Not when there is nothing I can do about it. _I’m leaving_.”

Billy let the last sentence wash over him, dark thoughts echoing louder and gaining fuel to their fires. It hurt in a way he wasn’t even aware he could still hurt. His insides churned and he shook slightly, but he knew there was something he should say before Tommy goes. A goodbye. A thank you. _Anything_ to keep Tommy from leaving like he’d somehow failed. From walking away in shame.

His lips were cracked and his voice hoarse from disuse, but he managed to speak, the sound an unexpected break in the room. It was quiet, so quiet that if Tommy hadn’t been right next to him, then he would have missed it completely. “I… I’m sorry.”

Tommy’s eyes zipped over to his face, boring into him, but Billy couldn’t bring himself to look. Couldn’t bring himself to do anything else. It’d been too much and the relief that came with words brought stronger, untouched emotions that came barreling in on him. It wouldn’t make thing better, it wouldn’t even start. Billy didn’t even know why he’d bothered to-

The speedster suddenly pulled him in close, burying his face in Billy’s neck and he could feel the dampness of his brother’s tears forming there. Tommy sounded equally relieved and sad as he spoke. “Don’t be sorry, Baby Brother... Just worry about getting better. I’m not gonna be here to coddle you anymore.”

Weakly, like he forgot how his hands worked and he was trying to teach himself once, again, Billy brought his fingers up to grip the fabric at the bottom of Tommy’s shirt, which only made the Speedster hold on tighter, practically squeezing he life out of him. “God, you stupid dork. You know I love you, right? Even if you’re being totally difficult to live with, right now?”

Billy didn’t answer. Tommy just held him a bit longer, letting the tense silence settle around them because he honestly didn’t know what else to say.

* * *

Billy could hear him just out of sight, talking to his parents.

_“_ _Are you sure about this, Son? I’m not sure I feel right about letting a young man of your age go out on his own like this.”_

_“Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Kaplan. I appreciate the help thus far, but I don’t think I can do this whole… Picture perfect lifestyle. I don’t really feel like I… Fit here, ya know?”_

_“You are more than welcome here, Thomas. We want you have somewhere to call home.”_

_“I know, Mrs. Kaplan. It’s really nice of you, but… I can’t. I’m sorry.”_

Teddy chose not to be present for this conversation, instead helping Billy get to bed, the sun having already set hours ago as he stared out at a dark and dreary city. Billy let himself be coaxed out of the window seat, spotting the plate with a half-eaten bowl of soup that Teddy had basically fed to him. It would have been a more romantic gesture if Teddy hadn’t had a line of concern etched into his features the whole time and Billy hadn’t felt so numb.

_“_ _You can’t leave, Tommy! You’re the only one who will play with us!”_

_“Yeah! Billy doesn’t say anything to us these days! He just sulks all the time like a big dummy!”_

_“Hey now, you two. Don’t be like that. Billy’s just under a lot of stress.”_

_“He still isn’t gonna play with us!”_

_“Don’t make that face, Kid. Teddy will toss a football with you in the yard or something,_ _if you ask_ _. Besides, if you quit being a brat, maybe I’ll come visit.”_

_“Really?”_

_“I’m not a brat!”_

“He’s something with kids, huh?” Teddy have a small laugh, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. The exchange between Tommy and his brothers reminded Billy of the conversation the two had had earlier that day. Teddy place a hand around Billy’s waist and led him out of the room and into the hallway, evidently bumping into Tommy just as he as about to reach the front door.

“So...” Teddy said, his expression more solid and whole than it’d been earlier today when Billy had been eavesdropping. “You’re really doing this, huh?”

“Guess so,” Tommy shrugged, a duffle bag slung over his shoulder with all his belongings. He had almost nothing when he’d first moved into the Kaplan residence, but Billy’s parents had been more than kind with the gifts and he had at least a few things now that he could call his own. “You’re not gonna whine about it like those snot-nosed kids, are you?”

“Hey!” Billy’s younger brothers piped up, offended.

The two exchanged a soft smile, glancing over at the younger boys a moment before turning back to one another. “Not unless you think it’ll work in making you stay.”

“Mmm _nah_. I’m getting to antsy here. All this _playing house_ is really cramping my style,” Tommy answered, the underlying reasons for his departure unsaid. Tommy looked from Teddy to Billy, his expression growing sadder. “Hey, baby bro. How’re you holding up?”

Billy just stared at him, blankly. Tommy managed a wobbly smile and reached forward to ruffle his hair. “I’m leaving now, Billy. Remember what we talked about, okay? Don’t give your boyfriend too hard of a time. Maybe tell him how great he is a little more often. I’m not gonna be around to do it for you, anymore.”

“I’m gonna miss you, Tommy,” Teddy said, answering in loo of the teen at his side. “Remember to call okay?”

“Yes, _Mom_ ,” Tommy teased, opening the front door. “I’ll be sure to brush my teeth and change my underwear, too.”

Teddy nudged him, his tone disgusted but his expression a mix of worry and fondness. “TMI, you jerk.”

“You love me.” Tommy quipped back. He paused a moment, eyes moving over the gathered family, who all scrunched together in the cozy hallway to see him off. The last of them his eyes landed on was Billy, whose expression seemed to change just the tiniest bit to reflect the words he’d said earlier;

_I’m sorry._

Tommy shut the door behind him with a finite _click_.


End file.
